Wednesday, April 11, 2012

May 31, 2011

I cannot believe it is only a month away and few days until it is our one year anniversary of our car accident. Emotions are over spilling, and I need to get them out in print. Otherwise, they are going crazy in my mind. 

When I heard years ago that we should memorize at least one favorite verse from bible to help us in the time of trouble. I chose Psalm 46:10; it says, “Be still and know that I am God.” Who knew years later I would use it profusely for months to come after the car accident? God did!

When a doctor from a passing car stopped to help, she held my head. Even though I lost my glasses from the crash, I managed to write my parents’ phone number and told her to keep our boys together no matter what. Afterwards, I felt at peace and wanted to sleep. She repeated the following words over and over again, “Do not move. Stay awake.” Psalm 46:10 kicked in.

Firemen swarmed around me as they figured out how to pull me out. Extremely a hot day, I felt their sweats dripping on me. One of them held my face and said, “It will hurt.” Psalm 46:10 kicked in.

Doctors in ER learned of my deafness and dragged Kevin in with them to interpret for them. I wanted him out of the room. Unfortunately, he had to see too much in that room. Kevin was at loss with doctor’s words and instead signed, “Mom. Stay calm. Mom. Stay calm. Mom. Stay calm.” Psalm 46:10 kicked in.

Torn away from Stuart and boys as they transported me to other hospital, my emotions felt heavy for them. Yet, I knew boys were in great hands of our family friend who drove 2 hours to get to the hospital and took them home with him. His wife took them under the wings for the night. Psalm 46:10 kicked in.

During one test of many, nurses failed to notice that table was not up to the same level to my bed they slided me sideway by sheets. When they let go of the sheets, my body thudded. The level was off by several inches. Enough for the pain to overwhelm me. Psalm 46:10 kicked in.

Dealt with needles daily for a month. Broken needles. Collapsed tubes. Ran out of veins. Psalm 46:10 kicked in.

Rod was put in my knee to hold it up in traction with weight on floor. Anybody who kicked it accidentally sent pain through my body. Dad stood guard of it and directed people around it. Psalm 46:10 kicked in (more like screaming)!!!
Surgeon told us the night before third surgery that we might want to call in a pastor for rituals since there was a chance for death due to blood clot in my left lung I had gotten from the crash.  Psalm 46:10 kicked in with cries!!!

I needed radiation treatment within 24 hours of final surgery, and the team of radiologists pretty much confirmed Psalm 46:10 when they said, “Be still.”

Armed with cautionary words from surgeon about not to move this or that way for few months. Here we go again, Psalm 46:10 kicked in.

Psalm 46:10 became my refugee in peace in the following months and still to this day.
Did this mean that I was a saint throughout the whole ordeal? Of course not! I never was, am, nor will be one. I am a human being with emotions! Even I begged the head nurse at the hospital to tell me if I had been a bad patient! Her words soothed me. She said with the pain and limits I had, I had every right to feel frustrated. She also said I was quiet like a mouse except for the needle times. I even kicked my own mother out of my hospital room once. I became angry with a person who denied me a cookie only because of that person’s concern in regards to my weight gain being stuck in wheelchair. In my mind, I thought, “Fine! I will have 2, 3, or more cookies then! I will get Stuart to give them to me.” I was angry with limits already and didn’t want anybody to add to what I could have to the limits list.

The biggest challenge was to find joy even in middle of my trial like the bible says in James 1:2: Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” My faith has been tested over and over again. I thought, “Why didn’t God get me home on the day of crash?” Then my friends told me, “God is not done with you.”

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